Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Growing Up

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Last week, I had a short dinner with batchmates from high school. I went because I had one friend there, for the rest, I honestly didn't care. The conversation was interesting with one of them I haven't met for a long time, about teaching. But seriously, I think I should stop seeing them because I'll be fake and plastic anyway. I want to review the past and show that I'm so different from before, but the "me before" is what they will remember - they can't help it. I feel off like I'm pretending to be something I'm not. After dinner, they will still go out late at night to meet others - but I didn't go because I wasn't allowed by my parents.

So I went with them, they're drinking beer, talking about their travels and I can't help but feel off. Maybe jealous? They have money now and can afford trips together abroad. They still call each other the same nicknames they did when we were teenagers. They are so involved in each other's lives, they're so close and all.

I remember that we had our reunion and I had an argument with one of them - I offhandedly suggested that we have our 10th anniversary reunion somewhere fancy, like a hotel. I wasn't thinking but she totally grilled me. Like I really care about your batch? She said things like "You should know your batch" before you suggest. I felt weird. Its not like I'm close to them and she's arguing about a comment I wasn't really thinking of. Your batch, not mine. I will not go there anyway, you can enjoy by yourself without me because I don't belong to you.

Later I see her again and she told me a dream she had. Everyone was leaving her behind. She said that maybe she meant that everyone had moved on from the past except for her! I don't know, maybe she had her own issues but of course, we should all move on. She realized she should move on. I admit I felt better. At least I have moved on - far away.

I should. I think I should keep up with the few people I genuinely care for and who also care about my life. But for the rest of them I don't meet anyway, I can let them go. I don't need to impress them or prove myself anymore. I've realized that my stress about how others think of me is pointless and illogical - they spend far more time thinking of themselves than about me. And I'm still selfish when I focus on what they think of me.

All these words, it makes me look so self-focused. So let's change the focus. I won't waste their time anymore, and there's nothing more I need to do but leave and walk away quietly - my existence have been forgotten a long time ago anyway.

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